i pause and breathe in and pause and don't stop pausing. forget to take myself off hold.
stuck. i've been stuck for a year, stuck moreso since march when the dawn went dark. when dawn died. when it ceased to dawn.
i scramble to bury my feelings before my friends and family see. in canada on the porch, swallowing tears and blinking wide to dry my eyes. in this cabin 3 hours from home before my friends arrive.
did you know in canada i cried? i cried on the porch remembering when i was a little girl, thinking of when i would be a big girl and my nana was gone. i saw it coming like a freight train and still didn't have the good sense to jump out of the way. dad said he had no idea. i know you had no idea, dad. par for the fucking course because i learned how to turn it off years ago.
i swallow my sorrow in the forest and chase it with wine. one more drink and it'll be better. one more material object and i'll be fine.
i am a consumer in every sense of the word. a consumer is all i am.
better than being sad.