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Friday, Nov. 10, 2017
7:07 a.m.
<< [ Year Walk ] >>
I dreamt about her last night, the first time I remember in almost a year, the perpetrator-turned-victim-turned-perpetrator. I dreamt she had been following us, trying to make amends, and when I turned around there she was. So like I do with most people in my life who try to make amends when their amends are woefully insufficient, I reached out and snaked my fingers through her hair and clenched my fist and held on tight tight tight. I wanted to smash her face into the cement. I settled for smashing her against a wall and spitting on her. Civility. When I was doing the online dating thing, I mostly used OkCupid. There is a question I answered a long time ago: who is worse? The person who cheats or the person who leads another to cheat? And for a long time, this was a great question, because it's obvious the person who does the cheating is worse. No one else has real control over another's actions; you can't lure someone to do a thing they don't want to do anyway. The responsibility very clearly falls to the person doing the cheating.
But it's been a long year. And I understand now why a person might check off the other box.
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