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Monday, Oct. 21, 2013
11:02 p.m.
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Yes Sir. ] >>

Four days ago is when I updated last, but it feels like a lifetime ago, back piercing the bubble of when nana was dying, sure, but not dying dying. I'm never gonna sleep on her balcony again and resent her tidiness. I'm never gonna be her darling six year old. She'll never be upset that I'm touching too many things because she'll never come back to her apartment because leukemia fucking wins.

It's easier back home in the bay because I can put my head down and pretend it isn't happening; focus on kids and boyfriend and living arrangements and pretend that I have more time with her. Time to grow the fuck up because no, time runs out, and we're lucky enough to have a transparent hourglass and see the last grains of sand fall through. Ungrateful bitch I am can't see it for the gift it is.

Started shooting the videos of her I should have started years ago when I read about it. Wanted to spend hours asking her about her family, her home life, how times were different, on and fucking on with her looking like herself, but I procrastinated and now I'm collecting the snippets of her in a hospital bed that I can. She looks skeletal, not like the nana I remember and by extension, not the one I want remembered, but it's better than nothing. I've asked about her happiest memory, about her marriage, and caught her playing I Spy with my parents in 6 or 8 minute clips at a time. Most of the hours we spend with her are just shallow breaths and fighting what we all know's coming.

And me, stupid for feeling so upset, stupid for not fucking expecting this. What did you think was going to happen, Amanda? She's 87 years old and has fucking leukemia, it's not like sunshine and unicorns were going to fly out of my face and help her run marathons. She's my nana who's really, really dying this time and like I said before, I wish I were feeling ridiculous right now instead of like an asshole.

I should have, I should have, I should have.

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