index | archives | notes Tuesday, Nov. 12, 2013 10:20 a.m. << [ - ] >> Such a bitch. I need to start holding onto the good shit now while I can. Nana gave me my pink teddy bear, the first stuffed animal I ever got and my favorite of all time. She always thought of me on trips, never thought I was too big or too ugly. I wanted to be a ballerina as a child. I have always been large though, so when I begged my parents for lessons, they turned me down. I see now they were trying to save me from a life of soul-crushingly low self-esteem, but at the time I just didn't get why I couldn't be a ballerina like everybodyfuckingelse. Nana watched ballets with me. Nana sent me a cassette tape for the Nutcracker Suite, which I've now seen live multiple times. She loved the shit out of me and always thought I was pretty and talented and wonderful even when I was a little shit the way only kids can be sometimes. I feel so selfish and shitty now for not appreciating the unconditional nature of her love just because she didn't "know who I was" or whatever. She knew I was my father's daughter and was free to extrapolate from there. She was proud of me for college, and for working with the babies. She was proud I was going back to grad school. She's paying for grad school. This is going to make me so much stronger. I have to focus on the good things, because I still remember her sunken face in the hospital telling me, "Don't cry Amanda, I feel so badly when you cry." I am going to be okay, nana. We will all be okay. I am so glad I was able to tell you that. << | x | >> whatiscopyright.org