There's mourning the loss of what I thought was an almost perfect relationship. The loss of this person I thought was almost perfect for me in every way. The loss of the illusion that I am a good judge of character. The loss of the actual relationship, the companionship, the easy physical contact and warmth I could find there.
I have lost my best friend. I have lost the illusion that he was my best friend. I have lost the future we were supposed to share; the one where this would never happen ever because he would never do this ever.
I think about cutting, but I only get as far as idly wondering where the knife is. Then I remember that's a terrible idea: he clearly is not worth that kind of pain. Plus the dating pool frowns upon people intentionally carving themselves up like Christmas ham.
He told me he wanted to kill himself. I told him good, and that he should have the decency to make it look like an accident so I can have his life insurance payout.
Sorry.