You will say, "Hello?" and I will say, "Hey, you". I will say, "There's something I need to tell you."
"What?"
"Since you called me fat, averaged out, I've eaten roughly every other day."
I'll say, "There's a boy in my drama class I never told you about because you are always too busy talking about your love life. He is a year younger than me and he asked me out two days ago."
I will tell you, "I said yes. We're going out on a date a few weeks from now. He wants to fuck me. I'm going to let him."
You will say, "What the fu--" and I will cut you off with:
"There's more.
You know how I am always joking about shoplifting? It isn't. I steal clothes from Walmart now and I donate them to charity. You know how you are always talking about saving the world?
I actually am."
You will say, "Um, what?" and I will continue, gloriously.
"I don't just steal clothes, either. Books, makeup, bath products, hair dye. Pringles. Even Pringles can't escape my wrath. I take all of it because I want it and I don't want to have to pay for it. I am a completely selfish human being.
That's the part where you, unable to comprehend who the fuck your only friend even is anymore, will pull the receiver back from your ear. You'll hear me laughing two degrees removed from you, laughing, laughing, laughing, and then you'll press the button that says "END".