Me: Sup.
Universe: We noticed your boyfriend has been making you miserable lately. This isn't working anymore, but you are too stubborn to let go yourself, so we will take it out of your hands. It'll be shitty for a little while, but then everything will be okay. Give it a couple of weeks.
Me: Alright, that seems fair.
Universe: Oh, hey, looks like you need to feel good about yourself. Well did you know that you've been rocking ass at work, and everyone thinks so? Hey, the regional director's gonna pull you aside and praise you and shower you with affection. Good job.
Me: Wow, thanks! This is pretty great.
Universe: Hey, we also noticed you might really enjoy having a cute older guy with his shit together fall hopelessly in like with you. He is fun and mature and responsible and you feel safe with him. Did we mention he's cute? Really, really cute.
Me: Oh my goodness, I don't even... this is really nice of you, Universe, thank you! I don't know what to say.
Universe: No problem! You're cute, and we like cute. OH, almost forgot, you're not doin' so well living with your parents again, so we'll toss you this super awesome stable married couple your age that are flexible and chill and can put up with your mild brand of crazy. You can move in to this super great townhouse with them in three weeks. There you go. Did we get everything?
Me: Uh, yeah, I think you covered it. Thanks, Universe. Good lookin' out.
Seriously, where do you even go from here? Everything is awesome.