Thursday, Jun. 27, 2019
8:27 p.m.
<< [ More Things I Get To Do ] >>
I. Icebreaker
Go around the room, tell everyone your name, title, and a time your parents broke your fucking heart. I'll go first. And second. And last.
II. Why Not Talking to Me for Three Months Was Shitty
A. You are parents, fucking act like it
B. I am angry because you stopped talking to me, not because you are getting back together (although that is also ridiculous and will be covered later in the presentation)
III. All The Ways In Which You Have Historically Been Shitty Parents
A. Turns out screaming and threatening to kick your child out doesn't lead to self confidence or secure attachments with others
B. Also turns out it's not fair to expect a child to meet your emotional needs when you have never attempted to meet theirs.
C. Life pro tip: if you want relationships with your children, you need to work at them.
IV. I Reiterate: The Big Issue is You Deliberately Ignoring Me for Months, Not You Getting Back Together.
A. Just so we are super clear on this one. Yes the failure to divorce is shitty, but your relationship has been consistently shitty and that is a separate issue from your poor maintenance of your relationship with me.
V. I Don't Know if I Want a Relationship With You or Not
A. And I'm done putting forth effort until you prove you're worth it.
B. We are moving to Vegas at the end of August, so you have two months to figure your shit out.
VI. Closing Statements
A. Fuck you both.