It just feels so disgustingly clich�d, that's all. Lonely, tortured, pseudo-artistic female teenager with dyed [red] hair and black nail polish sitting in a corner drawing. Because I know that's what it will be. Me, sitting in corners, or wandering around outside aimlessly. Me, feeling out of context and acting like she likes it that way. Me, utterly fucking alone.
Like I said. Fucking. Clich�d.
School hasn't even started yet and I'm already seeing it as a waste of time again. This is a different outlook than the one I have had after every summer before now. Usually, I cannot wait for school to begin again. It gives me something to do. Now I find myself wishing for more time to do nothing.
My drama teacher [one of two reasons I even bothered going to school most days] took another job at another school and got herself out of this hell hole. I do not blame her, she was young and restless and she wanted to be doing something more meaningful with her life.
That, however, does not bode well for me. I grew rather fond of her. She and I had conversed about how I was a good writer; how she wanted me to work harder so I could be in her English class senior year.
I was going to. I wanted to succeed. Not for myself; I don't much care about making myself happy anymore. I wanted to be good at something for her. I wanted to make her feel like she had accomplished something in getting through to me when no one else could.
There isn't much point in working hard now, though. She is gone. Another job, far away from here.
I don't blame her...
The other teacher that got through to me has left, too. Vice Principal. I don't blame him, either. He has a family to care for now. His son was recently born.
What I am really trying to say is that I am tired of people leaving me, I am tired of education being viewed only as a means of acquiring wealth and material possessions, and I am tired of being so motherfucking predictable. That's all.
I blame myself.