Attention shifts to the mustard stain on my right leg. Mustard? I am thinking, I fucking hate mustard. Why is there mustard on my pants? and the counselor is asking me things about myself. Any siblings? Two little brothers. How old? Thirteen and nine. Do you get along with them? Sort of. Sort of? The older one, but not the younger one. Why not? Because the nine year old is a brat.
I am answering automatically, mechanically, staring at the walls, the ceiling, the mustard stain, the carpet, anything and everything to avoid her apathetic gaze.
Do you get along with your parents? They think so. Do you get along with your dad? No. Your mom? Sort of.
I notice that the room is really more like a closet with a desk in it than an actual room.
Why don't you get along with your dad? He can be quite controlling. What does he do for a living? Nothing. What do you mean nothing? He's unemployed. He was laid off? No, he quit. Oh... I see.
I'm missing fifth period. Physics. The one class I probably won't be able to pass with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back. I hate science.
So it seems like you're really smart. Why did you drop out of honors classes? I don't know. Was the work too difficult? No. Did you not have enough time? No. Did you just not care? Yeah, pretty much.
Friday. This is a direct result of Friday, when I was in Mrs. Miller's office crying. It took them twelve days to do something. Anything.
So how are your classes so far? Fine. Any problems? Not really. Do you like your teachers? Sure.
And I can remember that day, because that was the day he was upset about me betraying him several months ago. That was the day I felt overwhelming guilt about everything. That was the day it was pushed and pushed and pushed.
What subjects do you like best, then? English. How is that? I think the teacher hates me. Really, why is that? Just a feeling. I copped an attitude with her a while back. But, to be fair, she deserved it. Oh, well, I'm sure she'll get over it eventually.
But looking back on it, I don't see why I was so upset. I had already decided that I didn't want to live.