The cutting bitch, she's got it all wrong, and she's perfectly willing to talk to the whole world about it.
When we exit the dark theater, everyone is freaking out. Administration is everywhere, and the counselor is telling me this was an awful idea, that people have done it today instead of friday, and everything has gotten so screwed up. This is going to hurt the principal instead of help her, they're saying, and then the superego kicks in with major amounts of guilt, since that's pretty much all it's good for.
All the classes from the 300 wing are outside, they say, and they're not coming back in, and all I can think is where did my climax go?
The vice principal leaves, and some lady, some stuck-up bitch that completely missed the point, she starts telling me that I could organize a letter-writing campaign or get my parents involved. "Lady," I want to say, "this wasn't to change their minds. This was to get publicity so we could get them fired more quickly." But I don't say it because I can't put the feelings into words right then.
I tell the counselor I need to talk to her, I guess, and she leads me back to her office. She sits down, and I burst into tears. "I hate myself and I want to die," I say in all seriousness, and I hope this is the climax instead, I hope this is the peak and that afterwards there are the falling actions where I get help and go into rehab and emerge a happy, productive member of society.
"Oh, come on now," she says, laughing. "It's not that bad. This morning I dealt with a girl who watched her sister slit her wrists with glass."
Really, I think, it was supposed to be so much more than this.
I know there are other people in the world with problems, but when I'm upset, I don't care about them. I care about me. And when I'm fucking having fantasies about taking a knife out of my pocket and jamming it into my wrist, not even slicing, but just jamming it the fuck in there between the bones to make goddamn sure I get the artery, I think I'm justified in not giving a fuck about anybody else.
I just smile, though. I smile, and I say, "I want to go home."