I stopped, silent. Where to start?
"We are fantastic. Amazing. He is amazing."
"That's good."
More silence.
"...Did you tell him about me?"
Jesus. Before I could even stop myself;
"Well, how could I not?"
Jesus. What part of me was not impacted by him? I told my older little brother (stand-in best friend) just a few weeks ago that I frequently wonder what he would think of the boyfriend, of my life. What he would say if he saw how happy I am without him. I knew then, and now, that he cannot survive without me. Eventually, he will always come back. We are going to be friends forever, even if sometimes the pendulums swing apart.
We were Justice and Mercy. My heart overflows with a sort of chaste love for him borne of intimacy and commitment.
"Did you tell him I'm a total asshole?"
"... No." I fudged. "That would not be reflective of the truth."
"Yes it would. I was a douchebag."
He asked why I hadn't tried to call him in a whole year. I said, "it got to the point where you were too painful to have in my life. I was doing all these things--I was in school, I was breaking up with Stupid Boyfriend, I was training for a triathlon, I was fighting with my parents and didn't have a place to call home. I needed support and when I tried to tell you about my life, you smacked it down. You implied that the things I was doing were worthless. I tried to change tactics and ask about you, and you smacked that down, too. You were just so mean about everything I said that finally I got to the point where it was like, 'Why even bother?' I needed support and I knew it wasn't going to come from you."
Pause.
"I didn't mean for that to sound as bitchy as it did."
"No, it's alright," he said. "I'm a big pill to swallow, so to speak."
We are hanging out tomorrow. See how it goes.