A pause. Hesitation.
"I can't."
Another pause. Disappointment?
"...Oh."
How do I explain to her that when she told me I was helping nobody, it struck a nerve? No. I do not blame her for this of course, I needed to hear it. But everything...
Three months of events I have not told her is a lot.
How do I tell her that I ran away from home again? That my father assaulted me, that I was sent to the counselor and the school cop? How do I tell her that it's been over a year since I began my favorite bad habit, and now a year since the episode with my ex and me?
How do I tell her that the way we don't talk anymore, the way we aren't close anymore... tears me up? Has she changed, or have I? Things can never stay the same. I'm being childish when I hope that they will.
"Are you alright?" I ask. A stupid question. I know the answer is a resounding No, even though what shows up is a Yeah.
I hate myself for letting us drift this far. I hate myself for not picking up the phone, I hate myself for not being more assertive when I say "we should do something."
I hate myself for being unable to fix you. I always thought that was what best friends were for.