Me: What up?
Universe: [while twirling hair] Not much, just thinking about you. What are YOU doing?
Me: Chillin. Work, catching up with friends, figuring out apartment stuff. You know.
Universe: Okay well just in case you thought I'd forgotten about you, here--your other boss is going to pull you aside at a company event to also praise your hard work and improvement.
Me: Sweet!
Universe: Also you work at the sort of place that will occasionally take you out and get you trashed on the company's dime.
Me: YES. OMFG YES.
Universe: Oh, hey, also, we know you're sick of dealing with manchildren who can't take care of themselves SO your new roommate? We've made sure she's started thinking ahead and planning shit so you will know exactly what to do move-in day.
Me: That's pretty cool, 'cause you know I tend to flip out when presented with chaos.
Universe: Yeah girl we got you. You know what, fuck it, your new roomie? We're gonna get your company to hire her too, so basically she's your new best friend automatically. OH OH OH and that cute guy? Now your boyfriend. You're welcome.
Me: What the what?
Universe: Well, yeah. You need to see that there are dudes out there who mean what they say and shit. I mean, the whole point of the last one was to teach you to take words with a grain of salt, but it's also good to be able to trust what people are saying, so we're just trying to stabilize you a little bit so you don't turn into a paranoid cunt or anything.
Me: That's pretty cool actually, good looking out!
Universe: Yeah dude no problem! Also you're super hot now.
Me: Wow, I am! This is great! Thanks!
Oh my god, universe, what. What are you even doing. This is amazing.